Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
