I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
