DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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