I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
