I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't notice because vodka
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
