i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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