Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
