I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
