I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We just shotgunned beers for America
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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