After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
