yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
