I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
