Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
