Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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