He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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