i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
