Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
