it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
