im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
