so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
