I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
