life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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