2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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