Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
