I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
