So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
