I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
