He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
