u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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