We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
