Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
