I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
