Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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