remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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