Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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