I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
