I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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