and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
people are starting to question the shark bite story
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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