She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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