i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
