I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
