Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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