have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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