Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
