I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
