Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
