And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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