We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
there is glitter all over my balls
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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