considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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