tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
