I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
